That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
