This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Randomize
