She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
