I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
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