My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
