tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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