the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
