Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
