It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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