around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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