fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize