Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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