My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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