I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
