I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
cat food counts as protein by the way
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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