i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
i now understand why vodka
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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