Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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