I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
