So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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