matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
