his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
So gin and wine won't be happening again
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
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