So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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