non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Randomize
