Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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