I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Randomize
