At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Randomize
