It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
And then he peed in my hair
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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