I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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