I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
