The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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