I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Randomize
