She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
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