I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
we're making bets on your personal life
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
