I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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