Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
