Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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