Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
