I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
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