Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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