come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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