i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
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