Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
