just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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