I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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