My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
pop tarts are not kleenex
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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