There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
