I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Idk if I want to put a bra on
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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