And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I accidentally had phone sex last night
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize
