Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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