How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
