11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
