woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
