Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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