I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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