My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
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